We’ve all made mistakes in love. I know I have. In the past I found myself being “the other woman“.
I was at a low point in my life and at first, it was exciting – I felt wanted, cared for, special. But over time, the guilt started creeping in.
I realised I was helping someone betray their partner’s trust. I was enabling infidelity and dishonesty.
My actions didn’t align with my values and truthfully I felt really ashamed.
When the relationship ended, the pain and remorse really hit me. I had to take a hard look at myself in the mirror.
Why did I get involved with a taken man? Why did I ignore all the red flags? How could I avoid making this mistake again?
The path to self-forgiveness was long and difficult. But with time, reflection and self-care, I made peace with my lapse in judgement.
I vowed to learn from the experience so I’d never hurt others or myself this way again.
If you’ve been the other woman, you’re not alone. And you absolutely can move forward.
Here are some tips that helped me let go of shame and recommit to integrity.
Take Responsibility
The first step is taking responsibility for your actions without making excuses. What you did hurt people – admit that to yourself. Don’t downplay it or justify it.
Own up to your mistakes fully. This shows maturity and conscience.
Get specific about what you did wrong. For me, it was:
- Pursuing a relationship with a man who had a partner
- Ignoring signs he wouldn’t leave his girlfriend
- Helping him lie and sneak around
- Disrespecting his relationship
Taking responsibility empowers you to make amends and do better. It’s easy to avoid responsibility and view yourself as the victim, but staying stuck in denial will prevent you from learning and growing.
Apologize and Make Amends
Consider offering sincere apologies. Don’t expect forgiveness or even a response. Apologize for your own peace of mind and integrity.
You could say: “I’m deeply sorry for the pain I caused you and the disrespect I showed your relationship. I made a terrible mistake and take full responsibility.”
If possible, return any gifts or make anonymous donations to charities your former partner cares about. These actions won’t fix the situation but can provide some closure.
Making amends, even if indirectly, can start to lift the burden of guilt you may carry. It shows you care about the harm you caused.
Examine What Led You Here
Do some soul searching to understand what allowed you to get entangled in this situation?
Were you struggling with self-worth, loneliness, boredom? Did you ignore red flags or enjoy the drama?
Really dig into your motivations and mindset at the time. Identifying vulnerabilities that led you down this path can prevent repeats in the future.
For example, if you were craving excitement or feeling undesirable, find healthy ways to meet those needs going forward, like new hobbies or therapy.
Strengthening your sense of self can keep you from seeking validation through secret relationships.
Learn and Set Boundaries
Now you know what can pull you into an unhealthy dynamic. Set firm boundaries so it doesn’t happen again.
Some good rules:
- I will not date someone who is in a committed relationship.
- At the first sign of infidelity or secrecy, I’m out.
- I will build my self-confidence so I don’t seek validation through affairs.
- If I’m feeling insecure or lonely, I will call a friend, not an ex.
Stick to your boundaries. Walk away at the first sign of dishonesty. Don’t justify anything that feels wrong. Having clear boundaries will help you avoid falling into a similar pattern.
Practice Self-Compassion
Beating yourself up accomplishes nothing. The most powerful act is extending yourself the same compassion you would give a good friend who made this mistake.
- Tell yourself: “That was wrong, but I am still worthy of love.”
- Write a letter forgiving yourself and outlining lessons learned.
- Do nice things for yourself like baths, massages, and favorite foods.
- Spend time in nature and meditation.
Self-love will help you heal and avoid self-sabotage. Don’t dwell on feeling like a bad person – you’re a complex human who made a mistake.
Focus on Today
Don’t let your mistake define you. Who you are is determined by what you do today. Going forward, commit to actions that reflect your values.
Volunteer, join an integrity group, and read books on ethics. When memories of the affair surface, gently redirect your thoughts to the present. You can’t change the past, but you can live with integrity right now.
Make an effort to deepen real relationships in your life outside of romance.
Spend quality time with friends and family who ground you in positive ways. Invest in your mental health through counseling or support groups. Strengthen your sense of self apart from relationships.
Forgive Yourself
Forgiveness is a process – be patient and keep taking steps forward. Over time, the shame will lessen if you remain committed to growth.
Remember that all humans make mistakes. What matters most is learning. If you can extract wisdom from the experience, your pain was not in vain.
With self-forgiveness, time and changed behavior, you can reclaim your self-respect. This can be a pivotal life lesson resulting in deep personal growth.
Have compassion. You are so much more than your worst moment. The past does not have to define your future. You got this!
Moving Forward with Integrity
Healing from a mistake takes work, but it is possible. Implement these steps to process emotions, repair harm, set boundaries and rebuild your integrity.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. We all falter, but we all deserve love too. Keep your head high and walk forward into a life aligned with your highest values.
You will likely grapple with trust issues, intense feelings, and other residuals from this experience for some time. Be patient with yourself and seek support. This difficult time will pass.
Focus on cultivating healthy relationships built on openness. Communicate your needs and listen to others. Respect commitments made and expect that in return.
Living with integrity will help restore your spirit and self-confidence over periods of time. You can become wiser and stronger from this experience.
Have faith in your ability to reflect, evolve and make better choices going forward. The past is done, but your future is unwritten. Make it a beautiful one!
