Falling head over heels in love can be an intoxicating feeling.
The rush of dopamine and euphoria that comes with a new relationship can make you feel like you’re walking on air.
But what happens when these intense feelings occur outside of your primary relationship with someone else?
This experience is known as a “limerence affair.” While exciting in the moment, limerence affairs can also be complicated and emotionally turbulent.
If you find yourself caught up in one, it’s important to understand what’s really going on. This way, you can make informed choices about how to move forward.
I’m going to breakdown everything you need to know about limerence affairs – from what defines them, to why they happen, to how to cope when you’re in the midst of one.
My goal is to walk you through this complex terrain in a grounded, empathetic way.
Affairs affect so many lives, but we rarely talk about them openly.
What is Limerence?
First, what exactly is “limerence?” Limerence is essentially intense romantic and sexual desire for another person. It’s that euphoric “honeymoon phase” feeling you get with a new crush or lover.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term in the 1970s. She identified the major components of limerence as:
- Intrusive thinking about the other person
- Longing and desire for emotional and physical reciprocation
- Dependency on interactions with the other person for mood
- Feelings of euphoria around the other person
- Idealization of the other’s positive qualities
In essence, limerence is that passionate, obsessive phase of falling in love. It’s a rollercoaster of emotion that can make you feel addicted to your love interest.
How Limerence Leads To Affairs
Limerence affairs occur when someone already in a committed relationship develops intense limerent desire for someone else.
Essentially, they start falling head over heels for a person besides their primary partner.
This can happen for various reasons:
Boredom or dissatisfaction in the current relationship
As the honeymoon phase wears off with a long-term partner, some people start craving those exciting limerent feelings again. An outside person can reignite that spark.
Trouble with intimacy
Some people struggle with true emotional intimacy. Limerence affairs can seem appealing because they’re built on fantasy and idealization rather than vulnerable, day-to-day connection.
Thrill of the forbidden
For some people, the secrecy and taboo nature of an affair can be thrilling. The riskiness makes limerence even more intoxicating.
Ego validation
Developing intense desire from someone new can provide an ego boost, making someone feel sexually empowered or romantically “still got it.”
Keep in mind, that limerence affairs are usually not consciously planned.
No one actively chooses to hurt their partner like this. Rather, limerence sort of sweeps you away in the moment – the attraction feels impossible to deny. Of course, active choices are made to hide and prolong the affair.
But the initial chemistry is often visceral and instinctive.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Limerence
Wondering if you might be falling into a limerence affair? Here are some common signs of the various stages of limerence:
1. You feel euphoric around the person in a way you haven’t felt in years. You crave their attention and interactions.
2. You find yourself thinking about them frequently throughout the day – even when you try not to.
3. When you’re apart, you check your phone constantly for their messages and alerts.
4. You try to interpret hidden meanings in their texts or casual remarks that suggest affection for you.
5. You have detailed romantic and sexual fantasies about them.
6. You idealize their positive qualities, overlooking flaws. You feel they’re perfect for you.
7. You confide your innermost thoughts and feelings with them.
8. You alter your schedule, activities, or routines to interact with them more.
9. You feel depressed or rejected when they’re unavailable or don’t reciprocate interest.
10. Despite guilt, you continue reaching out to them and hiding the relationship from your partner.
If this feels familiar, you may well be experiencing limerence. Take time for honest self-reflection about the relationship.
Often we try to deny or rationalize away ambiguous behavior. But really sit with how this person makes you feel. That can provide clarity.
Why Limerence Affairs Are So Powerful
When you’re in the throes of a limerence affair, it can feel impossible to walk away. Why is limerent desire so potent and addictive?
1. It fills an unmet emotional need
As discussed above, limerence affairs often provide something lacking in the primary partnership – intimacy, passion, romance, ego validation, etc.
So on a subconscious level, the affair relationship feels “need fulfilling” in a way the committed one currently does not. Even if we love our partner, we’re drawn towards situations that offer more of what we crave.
2. Dopamine and oxytocin floods the brain
Scientifically, the euphoria of limerence comes from dopamine and oxytocin. These are brain chemicals that flood our system when we’re falling in love.
Dopamine provides the pleasurable thrill and high. Oxytocin forges an emotional bond and sense of trust. Our bodies literally become addicted to these chemicals. The limerence lover is our supplier!
3. Fantasy is alluring
The beginning stages of love allow us to get carried away with idealized fantasy. We can project all sorts of imagined perfection onto someone we barely know.
And they can do the same onto us! Of course, grounded intimacy requires seeing each other accurately, flaws and all.
But the fantasy of limerence has immediate, irresistible appeal.
This perfect fantasy person also offers an escape from the routine stresses of real life. No wonder it’s so hard to let go!
4. Taboo thrills us
As mentioned earlier, the “forbidden fruit” aspect of affairs can be a turn on for some people. Sneaking around, lying, risking consequences – these boost dopamine in the brain.
The relationship feels extra exciting because it’s taboo and high stakes.
5. Biology drives us
Biologically, humans aren’t naturally monogamous. Spreading our genes with multiples partners boosted our chances for reproductive success.
So while lifelong social monogamy is actually uncommon in nature, pair bonding and serial monogamy are the norms.
Affairs can erupt due to our biological wiring. Understanding this might help take the edge off shame.
Truly, limerence affairs stir up incredibly powerful emotions and compulsions.
The combination of unmet needs, brain chemicals, and taboo thrills can make the experience feel irresistible. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this terrain.
The Rollercoaster Of A Limerence Affair
Once you recognize you’re experiencing limerence, buckle up. You’re likely in for an emotionally turbulent ride! Some key phases of a limerence affair:
1. Trigger and Meeting
First, something triggers a sense of dissatisfaction in the primary partnership. Maybe communication breaks down, sex declines, or boredom sets in.
Then you meet someone new through work, social circles, or a dating app. There’s an instant attraction and spark – limerence begins.
2. Anticipation and Intensification
You look forward to any chance to interact with your new love interest – it’s all you can think about! You analyze their every word and action, seeking evidence they return your feelings.
Small kindnesses feel enormous. You bond over shared interests and deep conversations. Euphoria builds.
3. Sexual Consummation
Typically a limerence affair becomes physically intimate. The sexual and romantic tension boils over through emotional declarations and lovemaking.
You may think “We were meant to be!” This heightens the bond through oxytocin.
4. Uncertainty and Obsession
After consummation, typically guilt and anxiety creep in. One or both people may pull back as the gravity of the situation sinks in.
This can then kickstart an obsessive push-pull dynamic. Moments of closeness followed by distancing. Highs and lows. Addictive ambiguity.
5. Despair and Revelation
The instability often finally leads to a low point of despair.
One person may threaten to end the affair. Or you’re forced to confess to your partner after getting caught.
There’s tearful confrontation about the betrayal of trust. Everything feels raw and hopeless.
6. Balance and Acceptance
For some affairs, this low point leads to decisive resolution – recommitment to the primary partnership or a clean breakup.
Other times, the affair continues in some nebulous form for years.
Regardless, the emotional rollercoaster does calm down eventually. You begin to accept reality.
As you can see, limerence affairs tend to follow a passionate, stormy arc.
The intensity is part of what makes them so compelling yet also so punishing.
Understanding the typical trajectory may help you feel less alone and make better choices for yourself.
You have more power than the limerence.
How To Cope If You’re Experiencing Limerence
Being in the grips of a limerence affair can be disorienting. I really recommend reading this book for a deeper understanding of what you’re going through, because knowledge is truly powerful.
Here are also some tips to stabilize yourself:
Talk to someone neutral
Confide in a trusted friend or therapist. Just being able to speak your truth will help ground you. Getting objective feedback can inspire clarity. But be selective who you tell, as affairs carry stigma.
Journal it out
Writing about the affair in a journal can help you unpack and process your feelings. Re-read entries later when limerence flares up again. This maintains perspective.
Limit contact
Try to reduce interactions with the limerence lover, even if gradually. This helps break the obsessive attachment. Fill your time with healthy activities.
Learn about limerence
Read all you can about the psychology of affairs, limerence, and relationship dynamics. Insight will empower you to escape the cycle. You’ll feel less powerless.
Talk to your partner
Consider opening up to your partner about the situation – without blame or defensiveness. Admitting a struggle with transparency can rebuild intimacy if done with care.
Consider therapy
Get professional support to uncover root issues driving the affair. A therapist can help you set firm boundaries or navigate crossroads. You don’t have to do this alone.
Practice self-care
Make sure you’re eating well, exercising, and getting rest during this turbulent time. Self-care helps stabilize your emotions. Don’t neglect basic health needs.
Trust time
Understand limerence does diminish with time, even if feels permanent right now. Stay the course resisting contact and focusing on your primary partnership. Feelings will evolve.
With compassion for yourself and loved ones, you can get through this challenge. The intensity of limerence always fades. Focus on making choices aligned with your values. You’ll get to the other side of this storm.
When To Walk Away From A Limerence Affair
The million dollar question about limerence affairs is always: should I stay or should I go? When is it best to walk away and cut contact for good?
There are no one-size-fits-all answers. Every situation has nuance based on personalities, history, family factors, etc.
That said, here are some signs it may be healthiest to end the affair:
1. Your self-esteem is suffering due to secrecy, lying, guilt, or rejection. The relationship feels traumatizing.
2. You’re considering physically leaving your primary partner and family. You’ve lost sight of life’s bigger picture.
3. The affair partner is demonstrating manipulative behavior or emotional abuse. They use limerence as a tool for control.
4. All joy seems drained from your primary partnership. Rebuilding trust feels totally impossible now.
5. Confiding in one neutral person after another leads to the same feedback: “walk away.”
6. You have multiple severe symptoms of anxiety or depression you can link directly to the affair. It’s decimating your mental health.
7. The affair partner will clearly never commit fully. They’re stringing you along with breadcrumbs to keep backup supply.
8. You’ve uncovered hidden, dealbreaking truths about their character that shatter the fantasy.
9. Your integrity feels critically compromised. You don’t recognize your own values anymore.
If one or more of these resonates, the healthiest choice is likely to cut contact definitively. Of course, that’s excruciatingly hard to do! But staying may just prolong suffering on all sides.
Seek support from friends, family, and professionals as you walk this road.
But know you can survive and even thrive after ending an unhealthy limerence affair. The process hurts – yet your future self will thank you.
Moving Forward After A Limerence Affair
Healing after any affair is a rollercoaster itself – filled with conflicting emotions like grief, anger, shame, relief, and acceptance. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this. Here are some tips:
Process it thoroughly
Keep an affair recovery journal. Seek counseling support if needed. Lean into supportive friends and family. Fully mourn the loss so you can move on.
Reset your routines
To reduce triggers and temptation, change up your habits, routes, activities, and social circles. Disrupt old patterns that fed the affair. Form new healthy rituals.
Tell the truth tactfully
If your partner doesn’t know, consider confessing – when the time is right and in a sensitive, non-blaming way. Secrecy corrodes intimacy. Honesty renews it.
Learn the affair lessons
Reflect on what unmet needs made you vulnerable to limerence. How can those be fulfilled in healthy ways going forward? Apply the insights.
Renew your partnership
Reinvest in your primary relationship. Seek couples counseling. Discuss the changes you both want. Rekindle friendship, trust and passion.
Practice mindfulness
Stay present and focused in each moment – not stuck in affair memories or fantasies. Mindfulness reduces pining and boosts self-control.
Let go with love
Accept that the affair had to end for everyone’s well-being. Wish the other person well in your heart, then fully release them with no resentment. Move forward.
You can thrive after a limerence affair ends. The intensity fades, the lessons crystallize, the grief softens, and you emerge wiser and stronger.
Have faith in yourself and your capacity to heal. The light always returns.
In Closing
I hope this article offered you a judgement-free education on limerence affairs – from what fuels them, to how they typically unfold, to tips for coping while you’re in one.
My goal was to empower you with knowledge and support. Affairs stir up immense pain when relationships collide with reality.
But we also have immense power to write our next chapter. Wishing you clarity and peace on the journey ahead.
