You’re in a new relationship, and it feels like everything is going great.
You can talk for hours, you have so much in common, and the chemistry between you two is undeniable. But something just doesn’t feel quite right.
Maybe there are some subtle clues that suggest things aren’t as perfect as they seem.
These clues are considered to be ‘red flags’.
A red flag in a relationship is any behaviour or character trait that warns of potential problems in a relationship, from minor issues to major warning signs.
Knowing which relationship red flags you shouldn’t ignore can help you avoid heartache down the road.
Here’s some of the most common relationship red flags you shouldn’t ignore and how to handle them.
The Red Flags You Need to Look Out For in Your Relationship
1. Unable to trust
If someone you’re seeing doesn’t trust you or has difficulty trusting in general, this could mean that they have unresolved issues from past relationships, which may cause problems in your current one.
A lack of trust can manifest itself in different ways, such as constantly questioning your whereabouts or doubting your intentions.
This sort of behaviour can leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells and make it difficult to build a secure connection.
Communicate to your partner how his distrust makes you feel and explain why it’s not conducive to building a healthy relationship together.
While this won’t necessarily solve all the issues between the two of you, having an open dialogue will at least allow for some understanding and compromise on both sides.
2. Different expectations from your relationship
It can be especially difficult in the early days of a relationship, when everything is new and exciting, to spot misaligned expectations. For example, you might want to have kids, and he doesn’t, but you haven’t had a convo about this yet, because it’s still so early.
Find out whether what you both want out of the relationship is actually aligned.
Ask him questions like, “What do you see as our future together?” or “Where would you like this relationship to go?”.
Taking an honest look at each other’s goals will help you both decide if they are compatible or not.
If there is a mismatch between what you’re both looking for, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship has no chance of success – but it does require open communication and compromise from both sides.
3. Extremely jealous
It’s understandable to feel a bit jealous now and then, but if his jealousy becomes excessive and controlling, it can be a sign that his trust issues are getting out of hand.
Extreme jealousy can lead to a host of problems, including isolation from friends and family, an inability to trust anyone else, and even physical violence.
Explain to him that his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, and encourage him to seek therapy.
4. Unfaithful in past relationships
If your partner has been unfaithful in the past, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will do it again – but it’s still something to keep an eye on.
Be honest with your partner and ask him why he cheated. Listen to his answer without judgement and try to understand where he’s coming from.
It’s crucial to remember that everyone makes mistakes, and it doesn’t have to define who he is as a person. However, you will need to establish early on that cheating is never acceptable in your relationship.
Make sure you agree on boundaries and expectations for fidelity and come to a mutual understanding about what qualifies as cheating and what doesn’t.
5. Steers clear of your family and friends
Having a strong support system is an essential part of any relationship, and getting to know each other’s friends and family helps build that bond.
If your partner doesn’t try to get to know the people closest to you, this could be a sign that he isn’t interested in committing to the relationship.
Healthy relationships require both parties to get to know each other’s friends and family. It helps foster trust and understanding between the two of you, which is essential for any relationship.
If someone doesn’t care enough to meet your loved ones, it can be a sign that they’re not in it for the long haul. They might not even take your relationship seriously enough to invest time into getting to know those who mean the world to you.
6. Overly controlling
If your partner is constantly trying to control how you dress and who you talk to, then he’s more concerned about his own desires than yours.
In a healthy relationship, no one person should ever have complete control over another’s life and decisions. Both parties should work together to create a balance between compromising and understanding different perspectives and opinions.
Be assertive when communicating your needs and feelings so that your partner understands where you stand on certain issues.
Have honest conversations about the dynamics of the relationship and what each of you needs from it.
7. Too secretive
While it’s normal and healthy to have some private moments, when your partner is constantly keeping secrets from you, it can be an indication that they don’t trust you enough to share what’s really going on.
If he’s secretive about his phone or social media activity, finances, or whereabouts when he’s not with you, these are all signs that something might be off.
Ask your partner why they feel the need to keep things from you. It could be that they’re trying to protect you from something, or perhaps there’s something else going on that needs to be addressed.
Having a healthy dialogue about the issue will help both of you better understand each other’s feelings and needs.
At the end of the day, trust is key in any relationship, and if he isn’t willing to open up and be honest with you, it could signal a lack of faith in the relationship itself.
8. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that can be used by your partner to make you feel bad about yourself and hinder your self-esteem. It’s usually done through subtle comments or actions that undermine your beliefs, opinions, and decisions.
For example, if he tells you that you’re overreacting when you express frustration or disagree with him; this could be a sign of gaslighting.
Learn about gaslighting so you can recognise the signs of gaslighting and address it in a healthy way with your partner.
Remember, healthy conflict is one thing, but twisting the truth is another!
9. Labels his exes as crazy
Does your new partner have nothing but negative things to say about his exes? This is a major red flag.
While it’s normal for him to have some grievances with his past relationships, it’s not healthy if he can’t admit any wrongdoing or offer insight into why these relationships ended.
If he can’t take responsibility for anything that went wrong in his past relationships, then chances are he is the problem.
10. Moves too fast in a relationship
If you’re being pressured to do more than you’re comfortable with or pushing for commitment before you feel ready, then you’ll need to communicate your needs and set boundaries.
A partner who values your emotional comfort will respect your wishes and take it slow, so trust your gut.
11. Love bombing
Love bombing is an alarming red flag to look out for when it comes to relationships. It’s when someone showers you with excessive affection and grandiose declarations of love early on in the relationship, giving a false impression that they are deeply invested.
This often turns out to be a form of manipulation and can be a sign of underlying emotional abuse. The best way to identify love bombing is to pay attention to how your partner behaves after the honeymoon period ends; if they start pulling away or become emotionally distant, this could be a sign of trouble.
12. Always putting you down
Constant put-downs are emotional abuse. It can come in the form of subtle or passive-aggressive criticism and can really affect your self-esteem.
Examples might include things like: “You’re lucky I’m still with you because you’ll never do better than me” or “You sound so ridiculous when you try to be funny”.
Take this behaviour seriously; research has suggested that emotional abuse could be just as harmful as physical abuse, both contributing to depression and low self-esteem.
13. Unable to deal with conflict healthily
It’s normal to have disagreements in a relationship, and it’s how you handle these disagreements that can tell you a lot about your partner. If they don’t deal with conflict in a healthy way, it could be a red flag.
Aggressive or violent behaviour is an obvious sign that something isn’t right, but other signs, such as personal verbal attacks or resorting to silent treatment (also known as stonewalling), are also troubling.
These behaviours can quickly spiral out of control, so you need to address them early on.
It’s not easy to confront someone who has trouble dealing with their emotions, but if you care for him, then it’s worth doing what you can to help him learn better coping mechanisms.
14. Frequently lying
Your partner constantly lying to you can be a sign of deeper issues.
Try to figure out why he’s telling lies. Is it because he doesn’t want to hurt you? Is he trying to cover something up? Or does he just have a habit of stretching the truth?
Once you understand why his motivations, speak to your partner and explain that lying is not acceptable in your relationship.
Suppose he’s willing to work with you on the issue. In that case, you can both work on coming up with strategies for preventing future lies, such as agreeing on a policy of total honesty or setting clear expectations for communication.
If he is unwilling, then move on and find someone who can be honest with you.
15. Lack of communication
Whether it’s him not responding to your texts or messages or seeming distracted when you talk, a lack of communication can be frustrating.
Have an open and honest conversation about your communication styles. What works for one person may not work for the other, so you’ll need to find common ground and understand each other better.
Discuss the importance of communication in the relationship and what kind of expectations you have for staying in touch with each other.
16. Bad relationships with friends or family
A strained relationship with family and friends can be an indication of more serious issues.
This could mean that he has a hard time maintaining relationships, or it might be indicative of deeper emotional problems.
Either way, you should discuss the issue with him and try to build a better understanding of his relationships with his family and friends and also take some time to get to know them yourself.
This can help you determine whether your partner is the cause of the problem or if there are other contributing factors.
Maybe his upbringing has made it hard for him to form close relationships, or maybe he’s going through a rough patch with his family right now.
If possible, offer support in helping your partner reconcile with anyone he’s having difficulties with.
17. Alcohol or substance abuse
If your partner is struggling with an addiction, it could be causing him to behave erratically, be unreliable, and even become abusive.
It’s important to approach the situation delicately but firmly. Let your partner know that his behaviour is not acceptable and that you are willing to help him get the help he needs.
Offer to go with him for counselling or to a support group and emphasise that you will be by his side every step of the way.
However, be aware that there is only so much you can do – ultimately, it’s up to your partner to make healthy decisions.
How to Better Spot Red Flags for Next Time
Spotting red flags early on can save you a lot of time and heartache in the long run. The trick is to be able to recognise them before they become an issue. Luckily, there are some simple strategies you can use to help improve your red flag radar.
First, make a list of common red flags that have come up in past relationships – especially if you’re someone who tends to overlook them. That way, when you see any of those same characteristics in a potential partner, it’ll immediately trigger your sense of awareness so you can take appropriate action.
Second, pay attention to how a person makes you feel. If something feels off or uncomfortable about his behaviour or words, trust your gut and address it with him directly. Also, be honest with yourself about whether the issue is fixable or not. Some things are just deal-breakers and should not be ignored for too long.
Finally, try to stay open-minded and flexible when it comes to dating and relationships. Everyone has different values and expectations, but as long as both parties are willing to compromise then, there’s usually room for growth within the relationship.
Just remember: if a red flag appears more than once or twice during the course of the relationship, it may be time to reassess if staying together is really worth it.
